Brave Vladimir Putin appears set for a face off with the Illuminati in a last minute, desperate attempt to stop the outbreak of World War III, Kremlin sources claim.
Putin, whose pets include a black Labrador, brown bear, and 1.5 million Chechans, has decided on his 2016 New Years resolutions a remarkable three weeks early, proving yet again that he is two steps ahead of Barack Obama, the Turkish airforce, and ISIS.
“In 2016 I will stop the Illuminati from starting world war three. And quit smoking,” Putin announced to a star struck Kremlin tour group, before fixing them with his trademark pitiless stare.
“I will do this…with my bare hands,” he continued. According to Kremlin sources the tour group burst into spontaneous applause.
His new year’s resolution speech comes after Illuminati member Jacob Rothschild accused Putin of being a traitor to the New World Order, amid Russia ‘going rogue’ in their fight against ISIS in Syria.
Putin, the proud dad of two pretty amazing kids, can bench press 220 and listed his interests as “dioxin, polonium 210, thallium, and bending lead pipes” in his high school yearbook.